When in your life did you feel the most alone?




The most alone I have ever been I was actually alone. On the side of the road watching my parents die while I did nothing. I did something I guess. I saved myself, but I couldn't save them. The car came out of nowhere and then next thing I remembered I was out of the car without a scratch on me. I wasn't even sure what had happened, and for the longest time I had so many regrets.

I wasn't the perfect daughter. Hell I wasn't even close to an okay daughter. I was the rebellious teen. I acted out, behaved like a brat and figured the world owed me. I wasn't really their kid anyway. My real family hadn't wanted me so what difference would it make to these two. I probably had hurt them more times than I cared to count and standing there on the side of the road while the car went up in flames I couldn't help but think how I wanted them back.

I wanted to take it all back. Everything I had said to them. The mean words, the rolled eyes, all of it just to see them again. Just to tell them how I really felt. Beneath the hair dye and the black nail polish. Beneath the safety pinned shirts and the skull and crossbone patterns.

I just wanted them to know that I loved them. That I hadn't meant any of it. Not really. Not truthfully. Instead I felt frozen in that moment with the sudden wave of panic and paralysis that told me this had been it. I had my choice and I missed it.

In those few days after the accident I blamed myself. I thought if I had been a better daughter perhaps we wouldn't have even been in the car. We could have been somewhere different. We could have been at home talking to each other.

I was alone and I thought it was all my fault. I wanted to think that the blame would make it easier. That having someone to blame for it all would at least let me feel like I wasn't so empty. Instead it just made that whole even bigger.

I even had the chance to change it. I know. Totally against all the rules, and even with Leo there to watch over me I behaved. I got to see my family again and at least try and see just how it really happened. That no matter what happened that it wasn't my fault. I had to relive it all but I felt better about it at least.

I know that I am not alone that I have an amazing family, and that should be enough but I still miss Mom and Dad.
Heart's Desire: Think about something you once wanted so badly but never acquired. Write about how you think your life would’ve been different if you had received what your heart desired.




Normalcy. Okay so that is a stretch because really what is normal. I know what isn't normal. Normal isn't cleaning odd green goo off your fifty dollar blouse. Normal isn't having to worry that telling someone the truth will cause them to leave you. Okay, sometimes that goes for other people, but I know that all I have ever wanted is just to be who I am and not worry about the rest of it.

It could be really simple I guess. Lie to anyone that gets close enough to me that I want them to know the truth so that they stay around, or tell them the truth and wait for it to be too much for them to handle and they leave. Either way I am pretty sure it isn't meant to happen, at least not right now.

I had something though. Once. I had Richard. I could be open and honest and not worry about who I was. However there was a big catch to my free ride. The things that mattered the most to me. The things that made me who I was? He couldn't be a part of. I didn't want to keep having to be careful around him. It was almost like even though it was easier being so free with him, at the same time it was so complicated. Probably even more complicated than just lying to all the others.

Maybe if I had gotten that one guy. That one guy that accepts me for who I am, who respects and admires my own little odd quirks, 'cause I know for sure I have those. That one guy that makes the time I spend with him seem like nothing else could go wrong? I might find something else within me that I didn't even know was there.

I see it. In Phoebe when she finally found love again with Drake. It was this unbridled passion, and alertness that made her light up. In Piper looking into the eyes of Leo when he had finally found his way back to her. It was what made them that much stronger.

I keep thinking that if I had that other half of me. That part that could make me whole that I could just start my life, instead of waiting for something to happen.

I have waited for something to happen to me for most my life, and each time something happens it changes everything. I can't wait around for the next time my whole world changes. I have to just keep living today like my world already has changed.

Because I know it always does.