Alone and to Blame
Jun. 16th, 2005 12:53 amThe most alone I have ever been I was actually alone. On the side of the road watching my parents die while I did nothing. I did something I guess. I saved myself, but I couldn't save them. The car came out of nowhere and then next thing I remembered I was out of the car without a scratch on me. I wasn't even sure what had happened, and for the longest time I had so many regrets.
I wasn't the perfect daughter. Hell I wasn't even close to an okay daughter. I was the rebellious teen. I acted out, behaved like a brat and figured the world owed me. I wasn't really their kid anyway. My real family hadn't wanted me so what difference would it make to these two. I probably had hurt them more times than I cared to count and standing there on the side of the road while the car went up in flames I couldn't help but think how I wanted them back.
I wanted to take it all back. Everything I had said to them. The mean words, the rolled eyes, all of it just to see them again. Just to tell them how I really felt. Beneath the hair dye and the black nail polish. Beneath the safety pinned shirts and the skull and crossbone patterns.
I just wanted them to know that I loved them. That I hadn't meant any of it. Not really. Not truthfully. Instead I felt frozen in that moment with the sudden wave of panic and paralysis that told me this had been it. I had my choice and I missed it.
In those few days after the accident I blamed myself. I thought if I had been a better daughter perhaps we wouldn't have even been in the car. We could have been somewhere different. We could have been at home talking to each other.
I was alone and I thought it was all my fault. I wanted to think that the blame would make it easier. That having someone to blame for it all would at least let me feel like I wasn't so empty. Instead it just made that whole even bigger.
I even had the chance to change it. I know. Totally against all the rules, and even with Leo there to watch over me I behaved. I got to see my family again and at least try and see just how it really happened. That no matter what happened that it wasn't my fault. I had to relive it all but I felt better about it at least.
I know that I am not alone that I have an amazing family, and that should be enough but I still miss Mom and Dad.