Entries tagged with challenges

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Alone and to Blame

When in your life did you feel the most alone?

The most alone I have ever been I was actually alone. On the side of the road watching my parents die while I did nothing. I did something I guess. I saved myself, but I couldn't save them. The car came out of nowhere and then next thing I remembered I was out of the car without a scratch on me. I wasn't even sure what had happened, and for the longest time I had so many regrets.

I wasn't the perfect daughter. Hell I wasn't even close to an okay daughter. I was the rebellious teen. I acted out, behaved like a brat and figured the world owed me. I wasn't really their kid anyway. My real family hadn't wanted me so what difference would it make to these two. I probably had hurt them more times than I cared to count and standing there on the side of the road while the car went up in flames I couldn't help but think how I wanted them back.

I wanted to take it all back. Everything I had said to them. The mean words, the rolled eyes, all of it just to see them again. Just to tell them how I really felt. Beneath the hair dye and the black nail polish. Beneath the safety pinned shirts and the skull and crossbone patterns.

I just wanted them to know that I loved them. That I hadn't meant any of it. Not really. Not truthfully. Instead I felt frozen in that moment with the sudden wave of panic and paralysis that told me this had been it. I had my choice and I missed it.

In those few days after the accident I blamed myself. I thought if I had been a better daughter perhaps we wouldn't have even been in the car. We could have been somewhere different. We could have been at home talking to each other.

I was alone and I thought it was all my fault. I wanted to think that the blame would make it easier. That having someone to blame for it all would at least let me feel like I wasn't so empty. Instead it just made that whole even bigger.

I even had the chance to change it. I know. Totally against all the rules, and even with Leo there to watch over me I behaved. I got to see my family again and at least try and see just how it really happened. That no matter what happened that it wasn't my fault. I had to relive it all but I felt better about it at least.

I know that I am not alone that I have an amazing family, and that should be enough but I still miss Mom and Dad.

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challenges

My World Changes

Heart's Desire: Think about something you once wanted so badly but never acquired. Write about how you think your life would’ve been different if you had received what your heart desired.

Normalcy. Okay so that is a stretch because really what is normal. I know what isn't normal. Normal isn't cleaning odd green goo off your fifty dollar blouse. Normal isn't having to worry that telling someone the truth will cause them to leave you. Okay, sometimes that goes for other people, but I know that all I have ever wanted is just to be who I am and not worry about the rest of it.

It could be really simple I guess. Lie to anyone that gets close enough to me that I want them to know the truth so that they stay around, or tell them the truth and wait for it to be too much for them to handle and they leave. Either way I am pretty sure it isn't meant to happen, at least not right now.

I had something though. Once. I had Richard. I could be open and honest and not worry about who I was. However there was a big catch to my free ride. The things that mattered the most to me. The things that made me who I was? He couldn't be a part of. I didn't want to keep having to be careful around him. It was almost like even though it was easier being so free with him, at the same time it was so complicated. Probably even more complicated than just lying to all the others.

Maybe if I had gotten that one guy. That one guy that accepts me for who I am, who respects and admires my own little odd quirks, 'cause I know for sure I have those. That one guy that makes the time I spend with him seem like nothing else could go wrong? I might find something else within me that I didn't even know was there.

I see it. In Phoebe when she finally found love again with Drake. It was this unbridled passion, and alertness that made her light up. In Piper looking into the eyes of Leo when he had finally found his way back to her. It was what made them that much stronger.

I keep thinking that if I had that other half of me. That part that could make me whole that I could just start my life, instead of waiting for something to happen.

I have waited for something to happen to me for most my life, and each time something happens it changes everything. I can't wait around for the next time my whole world changes. I have to just keep living today like my world already has changed.

Because I know it always does.

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challenges

Moment to Be Proud Of

At what moment in your life did you feel most proud?

Pride is a pretty tricky word when you think about it. Pretty tricky to deal with, and even more difficult to ignore. I want to start listing off all the great accomplishments that I have had in my own life, but that is where it starts to get hazy.

Are those moments great because of me? Or because of the actual events. Can I be proud of a moment instead of the person, or are those things connected forever to be entwined. That the person makes the moment or is it that the moment makes the person.

Either way pride isn't something that is good to have. Pride makes you less cautious, less careful. It allows your vision to become clouded and hazy. In my experience it is better to just stay focused. Look ahead, instead of back.

However if I was to really narrow it down to just one thing, I know what it would be.

I just wouldn't want it to get in the way of my own future.

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Phoebe was in love with Cole. I knew it then and I am sure a part of her still does love him. She had to overcome all her doubt and fears and all the love that she had shared with him in order to take the next step forward. She had to stand by the sides of her sisters and vanquish the one person that she thought she could trust. The one person she thought she would be with forever.

I stood beside her and watched her gain all her strength from within herself. From within our support and make the one choice she had to. In the time it took her to finish the spell with us and cast the bottle towards him I was so proud of her.

Proud that she could do this hurtful thing. Proud that she realized it was what had to be done.

Proud that she survived it.

I just hope one day she knows that all the strength I think I have gained over the years, I gained from watching her.
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Theatrical Muse Application

What Makes You Laugh?

If I told you what made me laugh you might not believe me. It is just that sometimes I look back on my life and I go this is not normal. Then again nothing about my life is normal. However I guess the good part is that I can look back at certain things and just laugh. I mean that is completely healthy.

I suppose I should just give you some nice examples. So let's see, well once my sister Phoebe? She turned into a mermaid. Oh! I got turned into a Vampire Queen too! See? My life is just a regular laugh riot! I mean you can't write stuff this good! There was another time when my other sister turned into a Harpee. Well not totally, because we always save each other. It is just what sisters do.

There are just somethings about my life that make it easy to laugh at the little things, or the really big things I guess. Yeah, cause being a witch is mostly big things. Not so much with the small problems, usually more on a global level of some sort. Though if you ask around, most people will just quirk an eyebrow and go "You feeling okay?" Which is another reason why laughter is a good thing to use. Otherwise it could make for a pretty depressing lifetime.

So I would say most of the mishaps that my sisters and I get into make me laugh.

After the fact.

Like a month afterward.

Oh, and gazpacho.

Hearing, Sight, Taste, Touch, and Smell. The five senses. Which would be the worst one for you to lose, and why?

Ha! See if I told you I almost know what is the worst one first hand you might just look at me funny. But, a while back we actualy... well by we I mean my sisters and I, we fell under the spell of this cranky old witch. She took away Phoebe's Hearing, Piper's Sight and my speech. So not entirely a sense, but still very vital. I think out of all of us Phoebe had the hardest time.

Okay I had the hardest time, cause I had to listen to Phoebe yelling at the top of her lungs, but I still think that losing your hearing would be the worst thing for me. I figure I have had my vision for a while, so I know what things look like. I sure wouldn't mind not being able to smell some of the gross things that sometimes we run into.

My hearing would be pretty bad. Especially now that I am a whitelighter. I have to be able to hear my Charges, and the Elders... okay wait maybe not the Elders, but still I need my hearing. The rest of it, I could consider a luxury.

If you could change one moment in your past, what would it be?

I used to have the perfect answer for this. I would go back and save my parents lives. I even tried once. I went back and I tried to make it right. To make it the way that it should have gone, but it was one of those lessons that I just had to learn.

You can't go back and change things to your liking. It doesn't work that way. For starters Magick is a gift and using it for personal gain, ALWAYS gets me in trouble of some sort. Even when I think I can just do someone a favor, it usually ends up coming back to me.

So I think if I could go back and change anything? I wouldn't do it for me. I would probably do it for someone else. Maybe I would go back and stop Cole from becoming the Source. I think Phoebe was the most happy right before then, and I would give anything for one of my sisters to be happy.